…Boy, have I debated writing this blog post for weeks now, I’m still not even really sure what I’m going to say. This might end up sounding like the ramblings of an idiot, but luckily for me, that wouldn’t be the first time ha…
I debated so long on writing this because, this is a food blog (a silly one at that) and deep down I was just hoping to pretend like today was just a normal day…I would love to pretend that today is a normal day, not a day that I remember every single horrible detail of, but unfortunately that’s just not the case. It’s been a year exactly that you left us so very unexpectedly. A year of trying to begin to even comprehend you not being here, a year of sooo many ups and downs of emotions, a year of expecting you to walk through the door any minute, a year of almost buying something for you that I know you would love or almost sending you a text message of something I know you would find hilarious. A year of putting off going through your personal things because it feels like an invasion of your privacy.
A year of a ‘new normal’ or that’s at least what everyone keeps saying to me. It won’t ever feel like normal, or a new normal, it just feels weird. It’s the first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas I just couldn’t wait to be over, because it just felt so sad. No amount of Christmas lights, decorations and beloved Christmas movies could mask the emptiness. Your place setting was still put at the table with a candle, and your stocking was still hung but it was even more glaringly obvious you weren’t there. We all felt overwhelming guilt not buying you anything for your birthday or Christmas, but I suppose that’s ‘normal’.
Grief is a very strange thing, you never know how you’re going to deal with it until you’re thrown into the pit of it. You can go from one spectrum of, ‘wow life is so much shorter than we think, I must go on great adventures’ to ‘eff everything, I’m not going to take care of myself at all, I’ll just eat this tub of butter because what does it matter in the end?’ As you might imagine I have been at both ends of the spectrum. One day everything feels OK, then with no forewarning, grief pops up and smacks you right in the face…grief is a real b-hole like that.
Overwhelming feelings of guilt is something else unexpected. Feeling guilty because it’s a good, happy, fun day and you’re not here to enjoy it, or like you’re being left out. Tremendous guilt that I was super duper sick in 2010, hospitalized for a week with more things wrong with me than right, ultimately being diagnosed with Lupus Erythematosus and I made a 100% recovery. You even had some of the same symptoms I did at the time, and I kept assuring you, and Mom and Dad that they would figure out what it was and they would fix you right up.
What can I say? It really sucks you left so soon and were so young. It sucks that Mom and Dad have had to live what I assume is a parents’ worst nightmare. It just plain sucks, but you’re not in pain anymore, and you are remembered and will always be remembered and loved by so many.
Myra Carter says
Holly…. your words are relatable!!!! I’m very sorry she’s gone. It does feel like that you could actually die from a broken heart!!!! One of the hardest things for me is that acceptance…. that life still goes on. It hurts so bad. My heart breaks for you. A sister, daughter is irreplaceable. I’m here if you ever wanna just scream!!!
Love,
Myra Carter
Holly says
You’re so sweet Myra thank you so much, that means a lot. -Holly
Julie Albachiaro says
Holly,
This brought me to tears. . Your words are beautiful and you my tkyr family will remain in our prayers.
You were a good sister and you will see April again one day , and what a great day that will be !!
XO,
Julie
Holly says
Thank you so much Julie, that’s so nice of you to say and yes we will see her again 😀
MOM says
beautifully said Holly and all so true
Holly says
Thanks so much, wish I could do more.
roadsodas_and_rearviews says
You are undoubtedly one of the kindest people on this planet. Your words are deeply from the heart and your sheer enjoyment for life and all its glory is ever present. On this day, and any day for that matter – she’ll always be with you. Through those heaviest of tears soaking tissues and blouse tops. Through the happiest of laughter at a thought or a tangible item that sparks the silliest of memories. On every holiday. On the loneliest of nights or the busiest of gatherings, she’ll always be with you. YOU hold her tight and she’ll be ever-present… Time, unfortunately as the story goes … heals all wounds. This is a big one no type of Band-Aid will be able to fix.
940 miles of hugs and thoughts your way. I truly feel your sorrow.
Holly says
Thank you so much Daniel, beyond kind and sincere things to say, truly, thank you doesn’t do my gratitude justice, and I know you too feel the sorrow.
Pam Allen says
Well said, Holly. You expressed many of the same things I go through (as I’m sure other family members feel, too). My prayers are with you and the rest of your family! It’s a tough time!
Holly says
Mrs. Allen, thank you so much, I know you do, and I know this time of year is especially difficult for you and yours, I think about and miss Justin all the time.
Rosemary Stacy says
Hey Holly,
Wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better just know I am hear if you want to talk or just need a friend to sit with or shoulder to cry on. Your sister will always be in your heart and hopefully as time goes on it will get easier for you to deal with . My heart breaks for you and your family. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love ya!
Rosemary
Holly says
Rosemary you’re too sweet, just being a friend is more than enough and thank you so much.
marlyn werner says
I have been thinking about all of you all day. I wish I could do something to take the pain away. Just try to think about April in a great place now. She is not in pain and she is with all her loved ones.
Holly says
Miss Marlyn, thank you, your words, kindness and thoughts mean so much.
Susan Pando says
Holly,
My heart is broken for you & your family. Just as mine is. You wrote all the very same things I feel but ,so beautifully. Much more than I can express..
Sending lot of hugs & love.
Holly says
Thank you so much, unfortunately y’all have to know this pain too, I know a day doesn’t go by that you and your family don’t think about Louie. Sending lots of hugs and love to you too.
K,P & B says
Holly,
“her wings were ready, but your hearts were not”
neither were ours . . . April is missed by many of us. Our thoughts are with your family
Holly says
Thank y’all so much
Kathy B says
Thank you so much – I lost my husband of 25 years just 4 months ago and somehow your words and thoughts are those I haven’t been able to convey to those people who think I should travel – I’m sure I will eventually – or be over the guilt and sadness. I’m so glad he isn’t in pain anymore but I feel guilty about that sometimes – like I didn’t do enough or wasn’t strong enough. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I haven’t had to go through the holidays yet – but I’m kind of dreading it.
Holly says
Kathy-
I’m so so sorry for your loss, I hope what I said helped in some tiny little way..if nothing else, you know there are people that are in the same boat as you and can truly empathize.. I tried traveling, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to leave my sadness as I went on vacation, so you travel only when you feel like it’s the right time. I’m really starting to understand that guilt is such a real part of grief, and it really sucks because there is truly nothing any of us can do to make our loved ones stay. The holidays are tough for sure, but surrounding yourself with loved ones does help. Again, I am soo sorry for your loss, I hope the feelings and pain and loss lessen for you.
Charles Gibson says
You completely reduced me to tears….I had no idea, and loss is something I have a really hard time coming with (as does everyone of course,)
I lost my girlfriend in 2008 (she left behind x2 sons)… Google Photos to this day still notifies me with “Remember this day in photos”. Asshole mother effer…
There’s not a day that goes by that I think eating a ‘tub of butter’ (so well said) is just the only friend of grief I can deal with.
My heart truly goes out to you and your family….always.
You’re an amazing soul. Thank you for sharing this…
-Turbo
Holly says
T-wow, I had absolutely no idea about your girlfriend, I am so beyond sorry. Time helps, but I know none of us ever truly feel healed, that constant looking over our shoulder waiting for something else terrible to happen, the seemingly endless sleepless nights…and thanks to technology the constant reminders (like you said, the mofos)…haha, I haven’t eaten a tub of butter, yet, but it’s very tempting. Thank you so much for the condolences and again, I’m so sorry for your loss as well.
Dan says
Sending love to u
Holly says
That’s so kind Dan, thank you
MARTHALENE GERMANY HARRIS says
Holly, You have never met me and probably never will. But you spoke so lovingly and poignantly of missing your precious sister, ,that I felt I had to write briefly.
You see, I do know your Mom, Tanya. We went to the same school in Union, Mississippi, and though I am several years her senior, I remember her as a beautiful, talented young lady. We have recently connected on Facebook, and if for that result alone, thumbs up for Facebook.
You look so much like your gorgeous Mom, and by reading posts from the both of you, I can tell you have her heart. I am honored to meet you.
These words will not lessen your pain or keep uncried tears from choking you, but they ring with truth.
My Mother spoke these words after my Dad passed. “How can the birds be singing; why is the sky still blue and why is the sun still shining? Don’t they know my world just crashed? But I know God never makes mistakes.”
GOD GAVE US MEMORIES SO WE COULD HAVE ROSES IN DECEMBER.
God bless you, sweet sister!
Holly says
What wonderful, kind and hearfelt things to say. I’m beyond touched by your words, so much so I don’t feel like I can give a proper thank you, but thank you so much anyway. Also, thank you for including the words of your mother, trust me the same thoughts have passed through all of our minds. Thank you again, and God bless.